The Communication Standard You Haven't Set Yet

A QUICK TIP FOR CLEAR THINKING

If you’re stuck, summarise the issue out loud in one sentence.

Why it works: Clarity often emerges through simplification.

Use it: When you’re going in circles.

🔍 DEEP DIVE

The Communication Standard You Haven't Set Yet

You've set the standard for your team's work. Their deadlines. Their deliverables. Their quality.

But you haven't set a standard for how people speak to you.

And because you haven't, other people have set it for you.

The colleague who talks over you in every meeting. The peer who dismisses your point and reframes it as theirs.

You've noticed it. Every time.

And every time, you've let it go.

Not because you're weak. Because you've been conditioned not to make a fuss.
To not be "difficult."
To pick your battles.
To be the one who rises above it.

I think this is one of the most under-addressed problems in leadership communication. Not what you say in meetings, but what you allow to be said to you.

What's Actually Happening

When someone speaks to you in a way that crosses a line, your brain does something very fast.

It runs a cost-benefit analysis.

Is it worth raising?
Will I look oversensitive?
Will it derail the meeting?
Will it make things awkward?

This is your brain's threat-response system at work. It's trying to protect you from being judged, called out, or seen as difficult.

The problem is, it protects you in the moment, and costs you over time.

Because every time you let something slide, you're training the people around you in what's acceptable.

You're not setting a boundary. You're setting a precedent.

And the longer that precedent runs, the harder it becomes to change. It’s neuroplasticity (the brain's ability to rewire based on repeated experience) working against you.

You stop noticing the behaviour as clearly and start rationalising it.
"That's just how they are." "It's not personal." "It's not worth the hassle."

It is worth the hassle.

Because what you tolerate becomes what people expect from you.

What to Do Instead

You don't need a confrontation. You need a standard, and a small number of phrases that hold it.

1. Name the behaviour in the moment

You don't need to explain why it bothered you. You just need to flag it.

"I wasn't finished."

"I'd like to finish my point."

"Let me come back to what I was saying."

These are short. They're neutral. And they work because they don't invite a debate, they redirect.

2. Don’t let your idea become someone else’s

When someone restates your idea as if it's theirs, don't let it pass.

"That's what I just said. I'm glad we agree."

Or: "Yes, that was my point. I'd like to build on it."

3. Address tone privately if needed

Some things are better handled outside the meeting. But they still need to be handled.

"I want to flag something. The way you spoke to me in that meeting didn't sit well with me. I need that to be different going forward."

No over-explaining. No softening. Just: here's what happened, here's what I need.

4. Decide your standard before you need it

Don't wait until you're mid-meeting and annoyed.

Decide now: what will you accept? What won't you?

Write it down if that helps. Not as a script, as a reference point for yourself.

Because when you're clear on your own standard, you don't have to think about what to say. You already know.

I see this all the time with the women I work with. Smart, experienced leaders who wouldn't let their own team be spoken to badly, but who tolerate it from peers because they've told themselves it's "not a big deal."

It is a big deal. Because it shapes how you're perceived, how you feel walking into every meeting, and how much authority you carry in the room.

Next time someone crosses that line, don't file it away. Use one of those phrases. Set the standard.

You're the only one who can.